Chapter 6

Synchronicity

It’s an interesting definition; ‘coincides meaningfully with a psychological state of mind’. I used to just look at things as co-ink-ee-dinks too (my inner-child’s way of saying it still today). ‘Coincidence’ and ‘psychological’ aren’t very magical. These descriptors are used to make sense of the impossible, particularly in Western culture. When you believe in Magic, when you hold your inner-child’s hand as you walk, you see synchronicity everywhere.

As a believer in Magic (or a prospective occupant for a padded room) the next few days are full of wonderment and excitement. A chance to share with you my world in Wonderland. Everybody I’ve invited to read this has been for a reason that I’ve not always fully understood initially. For sure I’ve served my own needs as I navigate through this isolated time, so I don’t feel so alone with it. I owe you a huge thank you for that. Some of you are friends, some are people that have chosen not to be my friend anymore and some don’t even want to start a friendship (in my gung-ho Feeld app phase (CRINGE)). And then there are the professionals; the psychologist (soon to be joining us), the social worker, the writer. And finally, the sellers from Etsy.

In other words, a great balance of the yaysayers, the naysayers and the ones I don’t even know.

I had a particularly difficult day yesterday. Fear and loneliness were rampant. I learnt why that was last night in another showing of my Shadow self and I came across this article. God did I need to read his account. Thank you Greg.

I was two years old when I was first told of my purpose in life. It was by an old lady who used to stand in the corner of my bedroom comforting me when they were fighting downstairs. When I was left alone for hours at a time. She was so warm. So comforting. She had the most beautiful smile and my God did she glow. I was to later bravely share of that experience to my mom. I was in my thirties and I still remember the look on her face as I described my bedroom of 30 plus years ago to perfection and of the old lady. My mom then described how she would enter my room and I wouldn’t even look at her, but instead maintained a gaze and chuckling towards the very same corner I experienced the old lady.

What I’m beyond fascinated with is the parallel processes going on throughout my writings. There’s the psychological/ medical model of delusion together with a perfect synchronicity of the Magic I’m experiencing.

I’m not able to demonstrate illusions and the medical model doesn’t believe in Magic, therefore I must be delusional by their understanding. Then there’s the believers, the See-ers. But both are binary thinking. One thing or the other. And here is where the difficulty lies. The two camps. BUT WHAT IF, and here’s the total mind fuck, they are coexisting. That they are not separate. That there is constant inter-play of my life’s experience and Magic that is unfolding. That without one, the other cannot exist. We think of time as linear but it is as far from linear than you can ever imagine. And if there was purpose in all this, wouldn’t a candidate with a host of experience get the job? This concept is tough to understand, as it is felt not thought. It’s in the ‘Knowings’ of an awakening.

Sat on my doorstep just now, for the first time in my life, the trees aren’t angry and sad. I feel their warmth and hold. It is so fucking beautiful.

I have had reminders from messengers all my life. From ‘what book are you going to write?’ from friends who had no idea why they said that, to the twenty years of thunder dreams. The cost to me of pushing those messages away was addictions, psychiatric admissions, suicide attempts and self-harm. For if I was to have listened to them, I would have had to work through the terrifying trauma of my childhood, then my Shadow to finally committing potential social suicide by writing this blog. After a life-time of trying to fit in, it’s painfully counter-intuitive.

I experience others in a very different way to most. When I meet someone, I’m presented with two very distinct versions of themselves; their truth-telling inner-child and their sleeping adult. It has taken decades to realise this and to say my life has been a total mind fuck because of it, is an understatement. There’s a word in psychotherapy for this, which I learnt of in 2013 after starting a Masters in Integrative Counselling, that word is incongruence. And it’s everywhere. In every time. But there are two major exceptions; those of the Dark and those of the Light.

WARNING:

I ASK YOU, THE READER, PERMISSION TO TELL YOU WHAT I SEE. THAT PERMISSION IS ASSUMED IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ. IF YOU DENY THAT PERMISSION, THEN PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE BEYOND TODAY’S BLOG.

EVERYTHING I WRITE IS FROM A PLACE OF LOVE. I’M TAKING ALL THE RISK BY POTENTIALLY LOSING THE READER AND MY FRIENDSHIPS.

YOU HAVE ALL TO GAIN, FOR WHAT IS POTENTIALLY AHEAD OF YOU IS TRULY MAGICAL.

For the reader that believes this is all ego-driven, I say this; Firstly, ego is what stopped me. Secondly, my shadow ‘rap-sheet’ is infinite so I’m certainly in no place to preach from a moral high-ground. Thirdly, I’m as small as the lit match compared to the forest fire that could potentially lie ahead.

And finally you are me. And I am you; brothers and sisters enjoying a wonderful Story.